7 Conversation Hacks To Overcome Nerves

Effective communication isn’t a talent. It’s a skill. We’ve distilled it down to seven tried and tested methods so that you too can beat the networking nerves and work the room in full confidence.

A former colleague of mine recently WhatsApp’d me for some tips on small talk. She cited social anxiety and frustration in not being able to approach and greet people - and this was regarding other colleagues at a work event she already knew of, not total strangers.

By her own admission, she ‘enjoys talking to people’ but just ‘didn’t know where to start’. I know plenty of people (including me sometimes) have this exact feeling. I wrote back to her with the following advice.

1. Change the way you think about social situations

You do not have a problem with networking and speaking to new people. It will help to look at these social situations more like something you are not used to, rather than something you are inherently bad at.

You have social anxiety or you're amazingly confident. Wrong - this is a false dichotomy. Social and professional confidence is a skill. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Knowing that, you can already accept that it might not go brilliantly sometimes, so what? Everyone else is in the same boat. It's exposure therapy.

This is how people are ‘cured’ of their arachnophobia. Patients look at pictures of spiders, progress to a video, are later introduced to a small physical spider across the room, and so on. Eventually, they have a tarantula in their hand and their fear has gone. No analogy is perfect, but our brains are wired the same.

We don’t fear what we are used to.

2. Intend to have a good chat, and you will

Your mental intentions actually make a physical difference to how you behave. If you say to yourself something intentional and only positive e.g. I'm going to have a positive interaction on my part, regardless of what they say - then you shall. confident people are always happy positive people, that is no coincidence.

3. Approaching groups and individuals

It's much easier going up to one person than many, because one person is not speaking to anyone else, you can start with anything you like almost.

Approaching groups requires one assessment: the group's body language.

If people are deep into personal stories or talking about something specific only to them, it's harder to join. Nevertheless, look to see if they're in a more closed circle (they're all facing directly at each other) or if are they standing openly with space for others to join in (e.g. semi-circle). The latter is a good sign for you.

If you get physically stuck on moving up to people, one thing I do that works for me is countdown in your head without hesitation (1...2...3) and it kind of forces your body to make a move.

4. Contribute smoothly and positively

Never say sorry or excuse yourself for joining the group, it sounds unconfident and negative. If they were talking about e.g. summer holidays this year, you could say things like “I heard you were talking about summer, where are you guys going?” or something like that. People like answering questions about themselves, whereas if you enter with a closed statement, it's easier for people to pass over it, making you feel ignored.

5. Starting new conversations with easy subjects

Whether it's with one person or a few people, the general idea of small talk is to talk about easy stuff. You can talk about:

• The weather

• People's day/week (e.g. How's your week been, anything exciting going on?)

• Plans after the event or the weekend

• If you know they're not from there, ask about their journey in (e.g. How was your journey here, not too much traffic I hope?)

If in doubt, just say what you see. Talk about what's in front of you because you can share that experience: the flowers

• The drinks

• The food

• The people here

• The host

6. Conversation hack to develop your small talk

To make any topic more interesting and easier for you, turn their statements back into some kind of question (if they like to talk). Imagine they say something about a skiing trip last winter, you can pick out the main word (skiing) and make a question with it (e.g. What do you like most about skiing in that resort?)

This is the turning point from mere small talk into good conversation.

7. Leaving the conversation tactfully

People have a terrible habit of just going silent or walking away, ourselves included. You should never leave somebody alone, and should ideally introduce them to someone else.

If someone does just stop talking and the chat is obviously at an end, then it is better not to make any fake excuses to leave. Try and introduce them to someone else or failing that, you can say things like:

• Well it was lovely to meet you! Best of luck with your class next week.

• I need to go say hello to [name] before she leaves, was good to catch up with you - enjoy the party!